This joke appeared in the online newsletter TidBITS, issue #280, 05-Jun-95 God calls Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates into his office and says, "The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people." So, Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Clinton goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives on are right - there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabuloutive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows 95!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church Date: 12/5/94 11:41 AM (forwards blessed) MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church By Hank Vorjes VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scaleable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Ten Things that would be different if Microsoft Started Building Cars: 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after the year instead of before it. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Sun MOTORsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. 8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. 9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them. 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here is my own rebuttle to that one..... > Ten Things that would be different if Microsoft Started Building Cars: > > 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after the year > instead of before it. This is because they had a hard time getting the design right. Even with their high powered computer aided design stuff, the design kept having problems, such as the tires would fall off at any given time with no warning, the air bags would activate spontaneously, especially when the car went over 20 miles an hour, and, the fuel system was never quite right because, for some unknown reason, gas would just "disappear", leaving you with an empyt tank five minutes after you went to the gas station. > 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new > car. Yep. The car was designed to work with what was out there when the car was made. Any new stuff reqiures a new car, otherwise the car won't even start. > 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd restart > it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. Humm. This car would die two or three times a day, often when you least expect it. The mechanics could never figure it out, and so, you have no other choice except to accept it. > 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought > Car 95 or Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. Car 95 or Car NT would still only be single person cars. Trying to add more seats doesn't work, because only one person can actualy use the car at any given time. Having two people in the car at once wasn't in the design, although it is theoretically possible. > 5. Sun MOTORsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as > reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the > roads. No kidding. > 6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced > with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. Make that a blue warning light, that, when comes on, means that your car is going to die and will need to be restarted. Eventually, you get used to it and have to restart your car quite a few times a day. And, when the mechanic looks at it, the mechanic is as puzzled as you are. > 7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, > forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. And, people would have to also invest in some more equipment just to run the car, because the car was designed inefficiently. Efficiency is not one of the goals of the Microsoft car company. It never was. > 8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. And Microsoft oil, and Microsoft Air (for tires), and Microsoft Windshield Wiper fluid, etc............ > 9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, > instead of giving them. No comment. The government? Whats that? > 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt. New seats would be hard to install, because the car's design is a design for one person. Although you can add more seats, the car becomes very crowded and will often stop working altogether if you have more than one perosn in it. This isn't recommended at all as it may cause bodily harm or death without warning. ***Source: My own personal experience with Win95 Beta. ------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates (no relation). Saint Peter meets him there and says, "Well, you've led an... interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, we're not quite sure which place to send you. So we're going to let you decide." Gates swallows nervously and says, "Okay". Saint Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach. There's beer and rock music and gorgeous women playing volleyball. Gates says, "Hey, is this heaven? It's GREAT!" Saint Peter says, "No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like." He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a serene city park. There's a soft breeze and birds are chirping and old people are sitting on benches feeding pigeons and playing chess. Gates says, "Well, this is... nice. But, given a choice, I guess I'll take Hell." Saint Peter says, "You got it," and snaps his fingers. Gates is instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of the damned. He looks up and shouts, "Hey, it wasn't like this! Where's the beach? Where's the babes?" Saint Peter looks down from his Sun workstation and says, "Sorry, Bill. That was the demo." -------------------------------------------------------------