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  	Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
  
  		Scott Adams
  		Windows Magazine,  May 1995
  
  I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
  "Dilbert."  Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers,
  comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.  But a growing number are from women
  who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.  Some say they've already married
  a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
  
  If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends
  most of his time with his computer.  He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin
  Costner.
  
  Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.  And he stays home.
  These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex
  appeal.  So what's the attraction?
  
  I think it's a Darwinian thing.  We're attracted to the people who have the
  best ability to survive and thrive.  In the old days it was important to be
  able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.
  
  But that skill is becoming less important every year.
  
  Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without
  having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose
  best career option is to work in tech support.
  
  It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with
  its own evolutionary destiny:
  
  Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal
  beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).
  
  Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
  calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.  This group will
  gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
  crematoriums.  Eventually they will become extinct.
  
  Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.
  
  Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary
  track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge
  ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.  You want a real man.  You want a
  knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.
  
  And women prefer men who listen.  Computer users are excellent listeners
  because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying
  anything.  Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually
  talks.  But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months.
  If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat
  stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever.  Marry an engineer
  and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
  
  Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with
  somebody who has an indoor hobby.  Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion
  with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili
  peppers in pants.  Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12
  hours a day in front of a video screen.
  
  It's also well established that computer users are better lovers.  I know
  because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married
  a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times.  I realize this isn't
  statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing
  I've written so far.
  
  If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.  They
  tend to have either:  (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated
  testosterone -- or  (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on
  people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.  If this were a trial
  I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.
  
  I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there.  They'll delight in pointing
  out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't
  the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem.  That's okay.
  Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists.  Then who'll be
  laughing?  (Answer to rhetorical question:  everybody but the tourists.)
  
  Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  And Bill Clinton
  said that knowledge is power.  Therefore, logically, according to the U.S.
  government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  You could
  argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the
  government.  Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,
  so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
  
  You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers
  are sexy.  But look at it from my point of view:  I'm getting paid by the
  word for this article.  I'm not done yet.
  
  In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot
  car.  But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars
  so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
  
  Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.  Men
  know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to
  look at them twice.
  
  It's getting worse.  Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify
  for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.  And nobody likes a man who
  takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why
  the CIA killed her.  And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
  
  Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.  Nothing looks sexier than a man
  in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.  If we agree that
  this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that
  it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer.  Otherwise, he'll just
  look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
  
  In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.  It's
  just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
  

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                      funny guy stuff
Are You a Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
   are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
   device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
   supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
   eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
   decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
   the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
   narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
   really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
   you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you
   should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's
   trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
   to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

   (1) He is legally within the basepath,
   (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
       fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
   intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday
   afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
   football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of
   the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
   but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
   relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
   get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
   together.  What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't
   want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly
   say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and
   you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
   spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows,
   the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
   that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
   when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars
   in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
   your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so
   large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
   legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has
   to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
   garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but
   this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
   which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
   intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
    that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
    they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
   got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy
would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus
for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 1995 14:49:00 +1000 (EST)
From: Kiri WAGSTAFF <kiriw@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU>
Subject: Girls Guide to Geeky Guys * readme dammit! * :). (fwd)

I LOVE this!  (Gee, I wonder why.. *looks around innocently*)

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    A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
    By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

-------------------------------------------

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally
died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here.
All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable
high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic
panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays
all the bills.  Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one
night stand?  Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not
have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a
cerebral creature with a culture all his own.  In short, a geek.


Why Geek Dudes Rule

    They are generally available.

    Other women will tend not to steal them.

    They can fix things.

    Your parents will love them.

    They're smart.


Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go
to shows too often.  Instead you'll find them hanging out with their
friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their
Bill Gates impressions.  You know how some people wear t-shirts with
their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain
shows?  Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different
software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the
latest, um, releases.  A small, though convivial, rivalry may be
detected here amongst the geek dudes.  Try wearing one yourself and see
if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet.
All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in
cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance
to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he
is very uncomfortable with, socializing.  To many geek dudes,
cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but
they are frustrated by a lack of players.  Their lack is your strength.


Imprinting

You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how
the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women.  There
is a reason for this.  Because they've had limited interpersonal
experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models.
Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a
transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their
interactions on them.  Thus, certain media images and themes come to
have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest
of us view such programming as mere entertainment.  Case in point, our
next topic...


The Trek factor

If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or
keeping a geek dude.  And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk
and Spock either.  You've got to be up on your The Next Generation,
your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5.  Armed with your own knowledge of
Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act.  The
sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the
technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a
counselor).  Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise:
the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair.
The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached
computer auxiliary.  This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek
dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who
secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and
deferentially accept him for who he is.  If you are willing to accept
that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek
relationship.


Once You've Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle.  Keeping him
by your side is another story altogether.  I was privileged to speak
with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was
also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago.  She
interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and
feeding of a geek man:

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands.  If you can hang
with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates.  They are the most
attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and
more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed).  Definitely
give geeks a chance.


Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and
think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves.  Make sure that
your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and
provide him with home cooked food.  A batch of chocolate chip cookies
will let him know that you love him.  You do have to monitor your geek
for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent
sitting and staring at a monitor.


Geek Lifestyle

The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home
with him.  He seems permanently connected to his hard disk.  You must
at least appear interested in his work.  Generally, a solid
understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this,
you should at least be able to talk the talk.  Remember most geeks are
anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant.
Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and
empathize.

To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games.  Let him play
Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to.  Act
concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs.  My
geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are
stuck in Myst.  He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing
them point blank.  Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese
animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.


Geek Buddies

Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer
to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling
that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights").  The
greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure
in setting them up with your girlfriends.  They may feel awkward
around females at first, so don't overwhelm them.  In time they will
come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things
they are.


Post-It Note

I thank Victoria for the above advice.  I must say that when she read
my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her
husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly.
Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought
Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with
a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly
apt).  This exchange is interesting for several reasons:

    Howard had already thought about who she was most like.

    He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.

    Victoria actually knew who he meant.

    Folks, I think this marriage will last.


One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks
have gone underground.  You may actually know some and just haven't
noticed them.  They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is
important to realize this as you grow closer to them.  Don't ever try
to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his
computer and you.  Remember, his computer has been there for him his
whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual
puzzles.  Don't you consider yourself one?  Wouldn't you like a little
intellectual stimulation or your own?  We thought so.

*** *** ***

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